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Aug. 25th, 2017


I'm not dead yet

I am literally the worst at this thing. It doesn't help that I'm NEVER at my computer. I'm actually posting from my phone. I shall update you in bullet points.

1. ACL recon on right knee 6/21/17. I am now allowed to jog lightly and go to the gym.
2. Disability hearing 6/2/17. Still waiting on the decision.
3. Foghorn Leghorn died just after easter. But not before I incubated some of his eggs. One hatched May 9. Her name is Junior.
4. Got 5 Amerecaunas to keep her company including a new roo.
5. C starts 6th grade on Wednesday.
6. I'm making a zine.
7. My heart got broken by a guy who just wants to be friends and it suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks. And I have nowhere to put my feelings so I just swallow them. SUPER HEALTHY
8. Seeing a dietician because I don't eat well.
9. Seriously considering going back to the IOP because I don't feel like I'm coping well.
10. I'm off fb for awhile. I can't handle any of it. I find twitter easier to manage. @josiebeeme if you do that. Or IG squidvicious666
11. I think that's about it. I just keep dreaming about the day I'm not totally broke.

Sep. 23rd, 2015


Wonky Tonky

I have come down with some sort of virus. My mom said she experienced similar symptoms over Labor Day. Basically I'm going to spend the next few days drunk with the spins and a queasy stomach and clogged ears. Except I'm not actually drunk. I'm going to be pretty useless.

I just hope it passes by Friday so I can make cupcakes and appear functional at C's birthday party on Saturday.

My skates arrived. They are beautiful and I love them. I might have to send them back. The stitching on one of the toes is off, and I'm concerned about the integrity and it coming apart. I've been in contact with the girl I ordered them through and she contacted Reidell and sent them photo's of the toes. She's been SUPER great to work with. She said she's waiting to hear back about the issue. So it's probably going to be a few more weeks before I'm back to skating. Bummer. Oh well, at least there's an end in sight.

I started the disability application online. I spoke with an attorney and they said to file online first, and then if/when I get denied they would assist with the appeals process. That's a bit frustrating, I was hoping they'd help with the initial application. Oh well. They've been really helpful otherwise and told me where to go to file and gave me the number of my local disability office if I need help with the application. They also told me to send them additional information in the meantime, so that they have it for when the appeals process needs to start.

Sep. 20th, 2015


Punch Gut Lunch

This is the first writing assignment for the writing course I'm taking. The assignment was to write about an event from my life in 500 words or less from a single point of view. Here's mine.

Punch Gut LunchCollapse )

Jun. 6th, 2015


(no subject)

I'm still not sure how I feel. I think it's mostly just depression.

Speaking of, the results.

Double Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, and a little bit of ADHD.

Nothing new or unexpected, except the double depression. I knew depression, I just didn't know this particular diagnosis was a thing. But it really does make sense.

I have the number for a psychiatrist. I guess I've come to terms about medication. I'm just really tired of feeling like this. I just want to be better already. I'm sick of appointments. I'm sick of being tired and unmotivated. I'm sick of being irritable all the time. I just want it to be over with. So medication is the best way to do that, I guess. I remain apprehensive.

I also talked to my therapist about C. She has a new lady in the office that works with kids. She's going to let me know if she can see him, and then we will coordinate appointment times. She also said once he gets settled in we can sometimes do joint sessions where we can work on family stuff. This is so amazingly perfect. I talked to C about it, and he is apprehensive. But I think once he gets in there and gets used to it he will be okay. And I'm sure this lady has seen it all and will be able to handle any outbursts C may have.

I am SO glad school is almost over. Monday is C's last day. The last week was so hard getting him up in the morning. The poor kid has to be on the bus at 6:30. It's kind of the worst. He has an hour bus ride to school. I think he's going to like being able to sleep in. And next week he goes to camp.

I've also decided I'm going to get him a track phone for when he goes to see his dad this summer. That way he can call us anytime, and us him, without having to go through W. I'm pretty sure W is a sociopath, and I think my therapist agrees. I'm also going to tell C that if he decides he wants to come home sooner and doesn't want to stay with his dad that I will come get him.

W is poly and heavily into BDSM. Neither of which I'm inherently opposed to, but I don't want C exposed to either (at least not through his dad). And I'm really worried that W is going to have various lady friends over while C is there. I also know that C is going to end up spending at least some days over night with W's parents. Which is not going to be good for him. C has asthma and their house is bordering on condemned. It is probably moldy, has mice, and his mom smokes in the house. C has asthma. And last I knew C did not have his own bed to sleep in while there. Unfortunately until I get an official custody agreement I have no say in what happens while C is with his dad. All I can do is make requests and HOPE that they are followed. But I doubt it.

I'm hoping that when it's time to start the divorce proceedings that I can have W evaluated. See if he actually is a sociopath. I have no idea how, if at all, it would affect any custody he might be granted. My therapist seems to agree that he is, just based on what I've told her. And I have another friend who also thinks so, who actually knows him. I don't know how much I can ask for, or how much I will be granted. I don't know if W is going to fight and I don't know if he's going to try and seek custody as well? I do know that PA is partial to mothers and that the court system frowns pretty heavily on alternative life styles such as Poly and BDSM (total BS, but I will use it to my advantage). Ugh. So much to think about. I need a lawyer, and I have no money.

In unrelated news, I'm really enjoying putting my d&d campaign together. It's a lot of fun, and I really hope that my players like it. I'm trying to keep it open, while also offering some overarching plots. I've been watching youtube videos on mapmaking and stuff for new GM's. The game is scheduled to start in July. I have 4 confirmed players, and I might have my brother invite a couple more. I think 6 is about the max number of people I can manage. I'm going to start working on the map, maybe tomorrow? Definitely some this week.

In OTHER unrelated news, my derby league was in the local paper along with a photo which I was in. We had a fundraiser at a beer distributor where we sold hotdogs. Here's how small this area is. A woman on my league works in hospice and she took care of my grandfather, she also works with a woman I have known since I was wee who attends my mother's church and I went to school with her oldest son. The owners of the beer distributor are one of our largest sponsors and went to high school with my mother. Another girl on my league appears to be friends with a girl I went to high school with who currently lives in NC. REAL small towns round here.
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Jun. 3rd, 2015


Summer of LJ

Are you looking for active LJ-ers to keep your friends list busy over summer (and all year round, really)? Join the Summer of LJ friending meme.

Epic level friending frenzy.


Someone showed me a contest where I could potentially win new skates valued up to $200. You guys can help!

Just click the link: http://rewards.rollstudio.com/?kid=63DJP

Sign up for the contest by entering your email address, then clicking the verification link. You can do this with multiple emails, but has to be from different IP addresses.

If I get 40 people to sign up, I get the skates.

Please help! And spread the word! Just remember, for me to get the credit the contest has to be accessed through that link, and the verification email has to be accessed.


May. 21st, 2015


Friending Frenzy - Round 1 - The Only One That Matters

New Journal, New Start, New Friends.

After about a days worth of sort of thinkong about it, and an LJ search that turned up nothing since March, I have decided to host a friending frenzy.

I only have a handful of friends over here and would like to expand that. So here we are.

About me. I used to blog over at swirvel42. You can read through some of the old stuff, tho most of it is freinds only.

Currently I am a single mom, unemployed, play roller derby, focusing on mental health, live on my parents farm and I am occasionally an artist. I like webcomics, graphic novels, video games, star wars, and cthulhu. I collect boba fett and cthulhu related items, old school glass soda bottles, and art pieces out of art-o-mat machines. I want to be way into quilting, gardening, and knitting but its a bit of a struggle.

I started this journal to talk about all the stuff I don't talk about on FB, which is everything. I need a place to talk about my anxiety, depression, therapy, and life in general. I also wanted a new start which is why I created a new journal rather than go back to tje old one.

I am a pretty private person over all and connect better with people online than I do in person.

I can be sporadic in my posting and even more so with my commenting. I make no promises nor excuses nor apologies, but that does not mean that I don't care or don't want to be involved. It just means I am going through things that makes even small tasks difficult and overwhelming.

So. Welcome to my journal. I hope you stay!

May. 20th, 2015


Room With A View part Deux: Once More With Feeling

I mentioned to my mom what I want to do with C.'s room. She said she'd be happy to help. Well, alright then. Once that was established we determined not to use chalkboard paint given the limited amount of actual wall space that would be available.

So, I talked to C. I asked him what his favorite colors were, and if he wanted his room re-decorated, and if he'd like a mural type thing on one wall. He is all in favor. We decided on an accent wall with a nature theme. Trees, flowers, fields, animals. I'm probably going to do some type of silhouette, possibly on a brightly colored background. He initially wanted the wall to say "Everything is Awesome!" I said not on the wall, but I'd make him something to hang up.

Unrelated: I figured out how to do a multi colored linocut, and I also have a bunch of other ideas for other things. Super.
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Room With A View

I really want to re-do C.'s room. He hasn't had much in the way of a room that was really HIS. We've never lived anywhere where we could really paint and make it his own. Toy storage with easy access has always been a problem, same with book storage.

His room right now is kind of small and could use some sprucing up. I want to paint it and do some type of mural-y thing on one wall. I also want to get him a sturdy side table. The one he is using now is JUST a table and falls over easily. He also needs some type of bookshelf/toy storage unit to maximize space and give him access to his toys and books without them being in the way.

I should get his in put on what he wants, but the reality is I'm broke. So doing anything with his room leaves me at the mercy of my parents. Not the worst position to be in, but far from the best. Looking at bedroom themes on the internet does NOT help, either. It's overwhelming and I don't know where to start with idea.

Ah well. I would have one week in June where he's away at camp to get it done. Completely doable with a little help. Sadly, I doubt that's going to happen. :/